In Limbo: A Personal Update

A few weeks from turning 49 my life has taken a few unexpected turns. To this point everything has always worked out in my life for the better... but getting closer to 50 I find myself not having the same resilience for this much change and that it's a bit harder to embrace without the center of gravity I called home.

The truth is, I have felt an unraveling for quite some time and wasn't sure where it is leading me but have known from the beginning - the only way out is through.

My car technically died in December, although it wasn't until January that I knew it. It was a 2013 Mazda 6 and the radiator hoses went bad due to age and parts were no longer available to replace them. It was in near perfect condition otherwise (especially after getting out of the body shop weeks before) my daughter and I decided to use it to help her get her dream car - a brand new 2026 Mazda 3.

February flew by as it always does - my baby turned 25 on Valentine's and loved her early birthday present of a car. I loved that it has all the bells and whistles to help keep her safe on the road, especially with my plans to soon be on the road myself.

March was a good month. Hall of Flowers with the GWGW ladies and Coachella Valley Canna Week with the amazing team behind CVCAN were definite highlights but then on the very last day of the month I received a phone call from my estranged sister telling me we needed to make a will for my estranged father who had been living in San Jose Del Cabo, Mexico for the past 25 years.

The original plan for April was to pack up my apartment and after the High Supply Show at the end of the month head to the Emerald Triangle for the summer to highlight the different farms and people who are still there fighting for their place in this industry and the ones who continue to uplift the community. It was a planned short adventure to last until Lilli the Real Potparazzi and I go on our 6 month tour of the states - initially planned for July.

A few things happened...

First, my sister (who was even more estranged from our father during her life than I was) moved our father to a skilled nursing facility in Washington and as his new Power of Attorney was tasked with clearing out his home and preparing it for sale to afford his new life in assisted living on Medicaid. She didn't know him as well as I did and so we decided I would be a better fit to go to Mexico and prepare his home for sale while also securing items that were of significant value to him - personally and financially. The plan was set and a plane ticket purchased for May 3rd.

Then, April 29th on my way to High Supply I get another phone call from my sister saying my father's wife (a pain doctor he met in 2018 and married in 2020 as a bargain to "take care of each other") said we are not allowed on our father's property (he paid for in 2004 and to which my sister's and I are beneficiaries) and if we come she will call the police - Mind you this is after 3 trips in 2 weeks to the Passport office for my emergency passport. The next day I moved out of my apartment after 8 years there and nearly 20 in Long Beach.

Fortunately I have an amazing group of friends and was able to stay in San Diego until we figured out how to access my dad's property to start selling things to afford his care. Meanwhile my sister hired a divorce attorney who after seeing the prenup (neither party will take more than they came to the marriage with) stated it should be a quick divorce - and somehow my sister was led to believe it would only take two weeks - so another flight was purchased for May 12th. This time I was to meet my sister in Mexico where we had a meeting with the attorney and I was to stand by to gain access to my father's home and cars to begin preparing for sale. The wife had also text my sister that she wanted to work together to sort things out.

On May 12th I met my sister in Mexico. She and I have always been opposites. If we have anything in common I don't know what it is - it wasn't music. We got in the rental car and I put on my chill playlist (a mix of deep house and healing therapy music) and she immediately commented it was too much for her and requested Taylor Swift instead.... the only thing I know about Taylor Swift is the album my daughter listened to in 3rd grade. Lol.

As she rushed to meet the attorney at the casita she rented her frustration and rage at the entire situation was clear - and for me a bit triggering as my body began to break out in hives that eventually covered me from my neck to my ankles. I'm not a hivey girl but after 3 days of looking like something from the black lagoon finally the combination of Benadryl, Zyrtec and Pepcid got me back to my usual complexion and most importantly texture. I kept my distance after that which was easy as she had booked a casita for each of us from the woman who is to be our father's realtor who also lived in the same neighborhood of Gringo Hill.

My sister would wake up at 5pm while I woke up at 5am to catch the magnificent sunrises and go walking before it got too hot. How are we related?

Mexico was beautiful. I walked down to the beach, just a quarter a mile away to touch the waves. I could see why my dad left, why he loved it there so much and also understand the pain it caused him to be away. He is cold in Washington and he hates the cold - it sinks into his bones and makes it hard for him to move. His body has taken beatings his whole life - from his parents as a kid and then from the career he chose as an ironworker. I used to call him the Bionic Dad because of all the surgeries and metal he has holding him together. Have you ever seen an x-ray where the vertebrae are gone and it's just black holes? My dad has 3 metal plates holding his head up - has since 2002. At 77 years old he is tired of being in pain.

The pain and now the official diagnosis of CTE always made it hard for him to be present for long - or sober. I never thought of my dad as an alcoholic but my mother did have us go to Alanon when I was little. Of course, she always tried to make things his fault and was never very good at taking responsibility herself. In comparison my father always seemed like a naughty child - nothing ever seemed to be intentionally upsetting, he just couldn't help himself or didn't know better... and at a young age I empathized with him - perhaps because I knew what it was like to be on the other end of my mother's dark rages.

He broke my heart when he left me with her when they divorced when I was 6.

He knew of her abuse (it was often what began their arguments) and chose freedom in San Francisco with a new girlfriend instead - with the exception of every other weekend of course. Even then, there were some Fridays my sister and I would sit on the lawn of the school and wait until dark before having to call our mother to tell her he didn't show again. That always meant going home to her rage taken out on my flesh.

I don't know if he knew what my uncle had been doing to me or if my mother ever shared that information with him. I only learned from my sister just seven years ago in a very unsettling way.

For weeks I was in Mexico waiting for the divorce to go through. I was learning about the local politics, where I could walk locally, and scoping out places to drive for when I had a car. There are quite a few amazing places in San Jose I fell in love with - Thursday night Art Walk was incredible - artists and vendors all come together in the center of town to sell their wares. I have one painting of Frida Kahlo I now carry in my suitcase because I simply couldn't stop thinking about her. Of course the food was amazing too - tamales, elote, and OMG the churros.

It was great getting out in public and seeing how everyone lives there but mostly I spent time alone in the casita down the hill from my dad's home waiting... I couldn't really make friends because the longer I was in Mexico the more we learned the true nature of my dad's relationship with his wife - and it's dark and ugly and I am not ready to share that yet but let's just say once he got into Washington he recovered in a way my sister didn't think was possible when she extracted him from Mexico.

I did make friends with many animals there. Cows, donkeys (did you know they get zoomies?) horses, so may dogs and cats and even a baby gecko. It really made me look at life and respect the role we have as humans to protect the other inhabitants of this planet - and each other.

I have hours of hummingbirds in slo motion - have you ever heard their song slowed down? Watched their tongue flick out to capture their prey? I loved the teenage cardinals and watching the red take over as they grew - so many beautiful birds surrounded me. My foster mother would have loved it.

After 5 weeks my sister text me time was up - the money was gone and the casita only paid a few more days. It didn't matter the divorce isn't final or that we never got access to my dad's home - which I have yet to see in person. He built it himself and I had imagined so many times finally being able to see it. I didn't sleep that night but again feel fortunate to have an amazing group of friends who helped me leave Mexico and have some pretty wondrous places to stay since.

I have felt more pain and more love this year from unexpected places than I could imagine. I'm sad, tired, incredibly discombobulated and yet determined to see this through and to continue to build The Canna Boss Babes so that we may all find the community that sustains us through the times weed is not enough - or like in Mexico, not accessible.

Lilli and I have a new tour launch date set for early 2027 - stay tuned for intentional misadventures then.

In the meantime I am excited to see all my babes at Babes in the Bay 5 - this year in San Diego. I hope you can make it or find a way to be involved. My favorite thing in the world is to bring together the community I have the privilege of growing every day and having you discover your alignment among each other and ways to help each other grow. More than ever you have taught me we are stronger together and there isn't anything we can't overcome - including some BULLSHIT regulations, but more on that at another time.

My schedule the next few months:

Los Angeles until 7/26

Orange County 7/27-8/10

San Diego 8/10-8/17

Las Vegas 8/17-9/22

Los Angeles 9/23-24

Humboldt in October although I am still working on places to visit and stay

Washington in November - to visit my dad

Las Vegas 12/20-1/11/27

So Cal - not sure exactly where or when but will be here through February 14th for my baby's 26th birthday and then will be on tour 6 months across the U.S. with Lilli

If you have a place for me and could use a Boss Babe for your business - let's talk! I also look forward to meeting many of you on tour next year, let me know if you would like to be a stop.

**I may or may not get to finally adding photos to this post. For now I just wanted to finally share where I have been and where I am at now - mentally, physically and emotionally.